


Sleep, and Ineffable Idiots

by Mionemrys



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21670822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mionemrys/pseuds/Mionemrys
Summary: It was B.C. 3019 - Crowley and Aziraphale still hadn't learnt how to sleep like human beings.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 17





	Sleep, and Ineffable Idiots

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [赶紧睡吧](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21465487) by [V07225](https://archiveofourown.org/users/V07225/pseuds/V07225). 



"Right...Close your eyes; relax your body and slow down your breathing..." said Crowley, starring at Aziraphale with his glaring eyes of amber. "I'll count to three. Then, we'll fall asleep together."  
Aziraphale nodded, eyes widening with childish anticipation.  
"Three, two, one." The snake counted.  
And together, they closed their eyes.

It was awfully quiet.  
Aziraphale and Crowley were lying under a surprisingly luxuriant apple tree. Moonlight permeated through the branches, casting shimmers onto the velvety grass. The intermittent, distant chirping of birds drifted in the air. If you listen closely, the mushrooms began to sprout after the fresh rain, and the bush was mingled with the chitchat of bunnies and squirrels.  
Roughly two minutes later, Crowley opened his eyes again.  
"Have you fallen asleep, Angel?" He asked.  
"No," Aziraphale answered with honesty.  
It was B.C. 3019 - Crowley and Aziraphale still hadn't learnt how to sleep like human beings.

When they first arrived on Earth, the Angel and the Demon could not fathom the peculiar habits of human beings. The eating, drinking, resting and sleeping are never obligatory for supernatural beings such as themselves.  
If they'd like, Aziraphale and Crowley could stay awake for eternity; nor do they need to eat or drink - such are the ways of celestial beings. By living their mythical lives as they should, they can completely sever themselves from the so-called "human beings".  
The first thing that Crowley ever ate, was an apple. Of course, it was the apple on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, in the Garden of Eden. Crowley saw Eve's satisfactory expression as she bit the apple. "It must have tasted good," he thought, "I should try it too."  
Crowley hesitated before he took the bite. He knew, even as a Demon, that he should think it over before eating this apple. But he dispelled his worry soon enough - he is already fallen, and he couldn't fall twice. Besides, it is the designated role for a Demon to do terrible deeds anyway. Therefore, he chose a particularly large, bright-coloured, gorgeous apple, and bit it as hard as he could.  
It was very delicious. Crispy, succulent and sweet - Crowley was flooded by how good it tasted.  
Then, an epiphany suddenly struck him about why human beings eat endlessly - because food makes people happy.  
During the following years that they were on Earth (and to be fair, it was many, many years), Crowley assiduously tempted Aziraphale to taste something; to dine with him. And believe me, he persisted.

The Demon stood in the orchard, yelling and clamouring at the fruit trees. The trees were absolutely terrified. Even though it wasn't autumn yet, the fruit still burst out feverishly from the branches. Thanks to all the anguish, these out-of-season fruits were exceptionally rich and juicy.  
Crowley gathered these fruits with his black, long robe. He walked straight towards the Angel while showing off his harvest. With a sinister smile, he said: "well, Angel, would you like to try some?"  
He'd ask this question first, and then sit on the grass. He'd reach for whatever fruit he could get hold of and start to devour it. He'd praise the fruit with dazzling language, or simply close his eyes with utmost satisfaction.  
Aziraphale ignored him at first: "No, thanks. Angels do not eat."  
And then, Aziraphale deemed Crowley a little bit annoying. "Could you please eat a little quieter?" he’d say.  
After that, the sweet temptation of the fruit (and the Demon) started to work on Aziraphale. "Oh, I beg you," He turned his face towards Crowley and said, "please eat it somewhere else."  
And after that, Aziraphale starred at Crowley while he was finishing the last grape and asked: "What is it like to eat?"  
Aziraphale couldn't resist the temptation anymore. "Can I have an apple?" He went to the snake and said, half regretfully but half delightfully, "I'd like to taste it...oh my stars, I can't believe it..."  
Crowley grinned ever so widely.

For the first time in forever, among the lovely orchard, Aziraphale suddenly comprehended how good it was to eat. It was intoxicating. He soon fell in love with eating, and even became better at it than Crowley. The act of "eating" was gradually transformed into something very significant, delightful, even "divine" in Angel's mind.  
In the next couple of centuries that Crowley and Aziraphale were living on Earth, they tried all the seemingly trivial deeds of human beings. They call it "carpe diem".  
It was dining at first. Then it was tobacco and wine. Having a bath was also very satisfactory.  
But it was one thing that they failed to learn.  
They had no idea how to fall asleep.

"Humans always say that falling asleep is particularly comfortable," Crowley said, eyes widened with longing, "They say that if you sleep for a whole night, you'd wake up feeling completely rejuvenated."  
The feelings that Crowley described tugged Aziraphale's heartstrings. "Teach me how to fall asleep then." He pleaded, leaning closer to the Demon sitting in front of him.  
Crowley shrugged, "Nah, I can't. I'm still learning about it."  
The Angel seemed a bit disappointed.  
"But actually..." as if to appease his friend, the Snake immediately added, "according to humans anyway...sleeping usually happens after exhausting physical activities."  
The Angel and the Demon didn't have much work to do during that time anyway. Therefore, to grasp what "falling asleep" feels like, they volunteered to help the villagers nearby. They herded sheep for the shepherds and gathered fresh fruits for the farmers.  
Aziraphale and Crowley carried baskets and baskets of fresh fruits to the homes of the villagers.  
And obviously, they indulged themselves in eating some of them on the way of transportation.  
They also helped humans with repairing roofs and fences all by themselves, without using a single Miracle. Crowley discovered that he actually was quite flexible - errands involving climbing up and down suited him well.  
In the end, Aziraphale even cooked for the family that they have helped. With his great passion for food, Aziraphale utilised his cooking skills to the maximum. It was a wonderful feast shared between the Angel, the Demon, and the humans.  
After a whole day of intense physical labour, Aziraphale and Crowley did feel a bit tired - but just a tiny bit. They lied down on a pile of fresh, puffy straw, gazing the stars while waiting for the sleep to wrap them up like a blanket.  
Instead of falling asleep, however, they felt that the drowsiness eluded them almost too quickly. The speed of self-recovery for supernatural beings is, indeed, quite astonishing.  
An hour later, Aziraphale and Crowley were still lying side by side, sleeplessly and hopelessly on that nice pile of straw.  
"I think," Aziraphale said, "that this is not working. We need to change our strategy."  
The Demon nodded.

One day, Aziraphale saw Crowley running breathlessly down the hill, lifting his black robe in his hands. Then, as Crowley approached Aziraphale, he told him eagerly that he had figured out how to fall asleep.  
Aziraphale was actually chatting with a squirrel under the tree before Crowley's arrival. "If you ever see a black snake with a red belly, beware." the squirrel said, "It's always lurking around stealing all the nuts."  
"It even looks hella daemonic as well!" The squirrel added.  
"Oh yes, thank you," Aziraphale answered politely. He then turned to Crowley, the bespoken "hella daemonic" snake, and asked what he said.  
"I have acquired the method of falling asleep!" Crowley said, panting slightly from all the running, all of his ginger hair tangled together. He continued: "the shepherd told me that he also suffers from insomnia sometimes, meaning that he can't sleep. And when that happens, he'd count sheep."  
"Oh," Aziraphale said pensively. For some reason, he thought counting sheep sounded fun.  
"If you struggle to fall asleep," Crowley said, "You can imagine a flock of sheep passing by in front of you...” He raised a finger pointing at a particular herd of sheep nearby, “that kind of sheep would do.”  
“And then you start counting - one little sheep, two little sheep, three little sheep, four little sheep...the shepherds said he'd fall asleep when it reaches a hundred.”  
He casually brushed away his tangled ginger hair, beaming with all his teeth, "sounds marvellous, isn't it? Let's try it out tonight!"  
Aziraphale gladly agreed.  
That night, they lied down on that same puffy, fresh pile of straw, and made themselves comfortable.  
"Shall we count together or separately?" Aziraphale asked.  
"Separately, perhaps," Crowley answered, "and don't make any sound."  
And then, they closed their eyes and started counting.  
"Baa~" one sheep bleated and jumped past the fence in front of Crowley's eyes.  
"Baa baa~~" two sheep bleated and jumped past the fence in front of Crowley's eyes.  
"Baa baa baa~~~" three sheep bleated, and, following the two sheep before it, he jumped past the fence as well.

It suddenly occurred to Crowley that Aziraphale looked like a sheep - his mind then wandered, beyond his control, to the relatedness between Aziraphale and a sheep.  
First and foremost, they are both white and pure. Secondly, they are both extremely soft and moderately chubby - "cuddly" in other words. The Angel also has light blond hair, Crowley thought, so light that it almost looks white - it both looks and feels like top quality wool.  
And they both look...adorable. Dainty even.  
Crowley sniffed quietly, and licked his upper lip with his serpentine tongue.  
And also the way that Aziraphale speaks, Crowley continued to think - so tender and friendly, never confrontational in any way. Aziraphale is such a sheep, Crowley finally concluded in his mind - soft and pure, constantly bleats with his soft voice.  
The moment when Crowley reached this conclusion, the sheep that he was counting a moment ago all turned into Aziraphale. A flock of Aziraphales bleated at him, tender and pure, with their soft voice.  
"Oh Heavens," the Demon thought, "I don't think I'm ever going to fall asleep now."  
He opened his eyes despairingly and looked across to Aziraphale, only finding the soft, pure Aziraphale looking back at him with the same despairing gaze.  
"Why aren't you counting sheep?" Crowley asked, "now, close your eyes and start counting."  
"I can't," Aziraphale frowned, "they are too noisy. They bleated constantly in my brain, adorable of course, but I can't sleep with that noise."  
They sighed, starring at the azure-coloured sky with such despondency.

Another few weeks have passed. During that time, Aziraphale found a house of his own - it's nothing fancy, but warm and sweet. One night, then, Aziraphale heard some hasty knocks on his door. When he answered it, he saw Crowley's gleaming eyes of amber among the darkness outside.  
Crowley, with a feverish expression all over his face, said: "I have acquired some fascinating magical powers!"  
"Oh?"  
"A Shaman next door has taught me the trick of hypnotism!"  
"Oh." Aziraphale leaned back with suspicion. "Oh, Crowley, you are a Demon capable of using 'actual' Miracles," he thought, "don't you think that learning 'magical powers' from human beings is quite below your standard?"  
However, these words never came out of his mouth. Instead, what Aziraphale said was "oh yeah? Let us try it out then."  
Crowley blinked his eyes enigmatically, taking out a pebble tied with string from his pocket. He then dangled this stringed pebble in front of Aziraphale's eyes, swinging it back and forth.  
"Look at it, Angel." Crowley hissed with a dramatic deep voice, almost charlatan-like, "Look at it."  
Aziraphale obeyed, eyes following the swinging pebble assiduously.  
"Now, listen to my voice," Crowley drawled, words coming out of his mouth in the cadence of the slowly swaying pebble, "relaaaaax. Clear your mind and thoughts....and relaaaaaaax."  
Aziraphale obeyed, again.  
"Relaaaaaax, and slow down your breathing. Your eyes are getting heavy; you are floating in the void of nothingness...and you start to sink, slowly, slowly, and slooooooowly. You start to feel the drowsiness taking over your body biiiiiit by biiiiiiit......"  
Aziraphale interrupted him: "I'm not feeling drowsy at all, Crowley. This is not working. Excuse my language, but I think this is a bit dumb."  
The Snake starred at him blankly. His forked tongue darted out with embarrassment, but was drew back almost immediately.  
"You weren't supposed to stop me, " Crowley said, "I was hypnotising you."  
"Oh, for Heaven's sake," Aziraphale frowned, "seriously? You could literally just put me to sleep using a Miracle!"  
The two of them suddenly fell silent after the word "Miracle".  
Yeah, of course they could have used a Miracle. Why hadn't they thought of it earlier?

With tender moonlight and gentle breezes, it was, again, a very lovely night. The sound of crickets and the chirping of birds could be heard intermittently. A group of squirrels were gossiping about the Snake again – they all thought that it was responsible for the disappearance of all the nuts. "Thankfully that daemonic, red-belly creature isn't around that often now," they said. The owl hooted with approval - it certainly was worth celebrating.  
Crowley and Aziraphale sat face to face on the bed extremely earnestly.  
"I'll count to three," Crowley said, "and then we'll snap our fingers together, putting each other to sleep."  
"Okay." Aziraphale nodded solemnly. "The timing needs to be precise", he said, "if we don't fall asleep simultaneously, the world might end."

"Yeah, you're right." Crowley nervously licked his teeth.  
Then, Crowley and Aziraphale took a deep breath, and raised their hands.  
"Three"  
"Two"  
"One."  
Two snaps sounded in the air.  
Followed by two thuds; clear as the day.  
They fell onto the bed simultaneously, into a desirable deep sleep.

~THE END~

Written by @V07225 (a.k.a @瓜萨辛), original title 《赶紧睡吧》  
Translated by @Mionemrys from Chinese

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the original author for writing such a cute Good Omens fiction and let me translate it :D


End file.
